The “Straight-Up” on Paula Abdul

Paula Abdul revealed on ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live Monday that she got that special treatment when she was seven years old because her babysitter was none other than Michael Bolton.

He’s 58 now and she’s 49.

A difference of only 8 years, but a big difference at the time.

Paula told Jimmy Kimmel that Bolton, who was using his real name Bolton back then, was a teenager who had moved from Connecticut to L.A. to find fame and fortune. Bolton and his then-girlfriend were pals with Paula’s older sister when he was asked to babysit little Paula at her home in L.A.

Why wouldn’t Michael Bolton’s girlfriend babysit Paula instead?

Or Paula’s older sister herself.

Paula remembers Michael not being a very attentive babysitter and recalls him spending most of his time jamming with musicians who lived in the building.

Right, that’s ever irresponsible babysitter, one time my female babysitter locked me in my room and invited her boyfriend over so they could make out in my parents bedroom.

Paula told Kimbell she remembers hurting herself on a couch by jamming a pencil into her leg to get his attention and force him to drive her to the hospital. She said he would sing her to sleep but he would never help her with her homework.

Now in fairness to Bolton, he couldn’t help her with her homework, she was in the third grade, and he was a musician.

Years later, after Paula gained fame as a choreographer, she told Kimmel she got a call from her agent saying Michael Bolton wants to hire her to choreograph his tour but he wants to know if she is the “same bratty Paula Abdul” he used to babysit.

There was a song, called “Straight Up” by Paula Abdul she says in one of her lyrics

You are so hard to read.
You play hide-and-seek
With your true intentions.
If you’re only playing games…

Sounds innocent enough, as she used the game hide and seek in her lyrics, based on the games her and Michael used to play, when he babysat her. But near the end she spews out this line of “Gibberish,” which reads like this: “Ba Ba-pa Ba Ba- Bapa Bapa Ba.”

Now being a military man, specializing in Intelligence, I immediately recognized this as a hidden message whose syllables were similar to moose code. So when I matched up the syllables to the corresponding letters, my suspicions were confirmed, it was indeed; a cry for help.

I won’t decipher the message here as it is beneath my dignity. But I’m sure you can figure it out based on the Paula’s public behavior.

Celebrity People cited:

Abdul, 44, made the strange appearance on a local Seattle station in which she swayed, bobbed and winked at the anchors. When asked what she was looking forward to on the new season of Idol, Abdul responded enigmatically: “How about a lot of you coming in. It’s a wild party where you are.”

Drunken Hussy???

Damaged Goods???

Conclusion:

Paula, forever the victim, did end up choreographing his tour. Bolton joined the conversation via Skype from South Dakota and confirmed to Kimmel that he babysat Paula when she was a Brownie. Yes he used the word Brownie.

She used to make me sweets in her Easy Bake Oven, I loved her Brownie!!!

Bolton said Paula has grown from a little “Brownie” to a superstar.Its too late for little Paula, but for you Asshole Parents out there, NEVER let a man babysit your children. And Michael, you have an ass-whooping coming.

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-Rath