Its been a long time since I posted a story; I’ve been away so lets just leave it at that…didn’t you read my post about “My Portrait In History?”
As most of you idiots know, I
am on Facebook and
sometimes my fans ask me to do them favors.
There was this one guy, Herbie Lipshitz, who I didn’t
know but asked me if he could use me as a job
reference, and I told him:
I didn’t know this guy, for all I knew he could have been a serial killer. Or just released from a mental hospital, or a convicted felony recently set free by that gay cock-sucker Obama.
Well a couple months go by, and I get a
call from this pickle company asking me
At first I didn’t even know who they were
talking about, but when the Manager of that company
“He used you as a reference on his Job Application,”
then I remembered who it was, and that I specifically
told him not too use me, but since they decided to
wake me from a sound sleep at 1:00 PM in the
afternoon, that fateful Tuesday, I decided to play
And the insuing conversation went something like
Hello……My name is Mr. Jerkins, and I’m calling from the Bumpy Log Pickle Factory in regards to Herbie Lipshitz…..
Me: What address did he give you on his application, that mother-fucker still owes me money, and I’ve been looking for him ever since.”
Jerkings: Can you confirm that you were Herbie’s boss at (Classic) pickling.
Me: Yes, Yes I can.
Jerking: What type of worker, was Herbie?
Me: Obsolete, at best.
Jerkin: Can you elaborate?
Jerkme: He said he worked for your company as a pickle vat operator, can you tell me his responsibilities and in what capacity.
Me: All right look, I never hired that dirty, son a bitch, that was done by some other guy and he used some fly-by-night temp agency.
Jerkme: I see, What were the ramifications of hiring Herbie?
Me: After the company hired Herbie the Impurity Levels went up dramatically.
Jerkoff: Can you tell me by what percentage.
Me: Well the State Law is 2%, but after Herbie joined our little family it went up to like 68% or 69% percent.
Jerkings: What type of Impurities were found?
Me: Fish, Shit, Mud, Piss, Puss, Sperm, Alcohol, and some unknown substance never identified, seized by the government and we haven’t heard back from them since.
Jerkin-it: Over what time frame did this happen?
Me: That first day when he fell in the Vat.
Jacking: He fell in the vat???
Me: Yea, he was drunk.
Jerggins: What did you do???
Me:I started laughing and filmed it with my camera phone then uploaded it to YouTube.
What disciplinary steps were taken, if any?
Me: Well we have a 3 strike and your out policy, so after that little incident, Herbie was like on 2 and nine-tenths, so he couldn’t even go on break and take a shit after that.
Them: How did he account for his drinking on the job?
Me: He said it wasn’t the alcohol, he was high as kite because he had a prescription for medical marijuana…
Them: Were their further incidents?
Me: Just One.
Jacking: Yes, what was that.
Me: I was told to keep a close eye on him so I installed a hidden camera to keep him “monitored.”
Jerkins: What did you find:
Me: He was beating off into the vat of pickle juice, same as the last guy we fired, the week before.
Them: Excuse Me?
Me: Masturbating, he was masturbating in the pickle Vat.
Them: What did you do?
Me: I put the bum-rush in full effect and pushed his sorry ass out the 2nd story window. Duh.
Jerking: Was their permanent damage?
Me: He might have broke a couple ribs but nothing to cry about, we could never get the stains out of that vat thou.
Jerkings: Did he offer any explanation on why he was acting so “extremely unprofessional” during working hours?”
Me: He said he was just following the secret Illuminati message on the front of the pickle jar.
We had a picture of a stork (symbolic of delivering babies) on the front of the label.
What the hell does a stork have to do with pickles anyway? When he figured it out he started beating off in the vat.
Jerkings: Thank You Mr. Rath, do you have any closing comments that might be helpful in our decision.
Me: This is not an isolated incident, everyone in all food industries has a least one scumbag that “contaminates” each food product of the company they work for.
It’s like a secret perverted organization and their all in on it, they get off by having billions of people ingesting their piss and sperm, and shit. Why do you think they allow the 2% to begin with?
Them: How do you know all this?
Me: Hey, mother-fucker I’m not applying for the job, that’s my business.
All Material is copyrighted.